Tag: motherhood

Experiment

Published on by poolepartyof52 Comments

This week marks the second anniversary of starting this blog.  There have been 105 posts so far and in that time, my babies have continued to grow and change.  I, too, have continued to grow and change.  When I started this blog I wasn’t sure why I even started it, except to try something outside my comfort zone.  Something that would push me to think about things a little differently – to create a personal rhythm to my week.  Something to create structure where there was none, except that which relates to the growing of children. This blog was an experiment.  It pushed me to try to answer these questions:

“Is there anything that I am doing this week that inspires me?”  

“What am I thinking about now that will be difficult to remember later?”  

“What can we do to keep exploring?””

There have been weeks when all our family could manage was to stick to the routine and get by.  But then there were the weeks when I found a little extra creative energy to photograph a food dish that I was preparing for my family and wanted to share with you.  There have been the weeks where it felt extremely important to mark the changes or joys happening that very minute.  Or, those weeks that I thought about a project I was curious about and actually did it.  Probably the most satisfying element of the blog has been when it has re-connected me to people in my community.  Over the last few years the blog has held me accountable to my creative self and I have loved that.

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Holding a Memory
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Artichoke Spinach Lasagna
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Serious Kale
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Giant Floor Pillows
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Homemade Cocktail Bitter

 

Gus and I just took our first trip away from the babes.  This felt big.  This felt huge.  It required so much planning and as we were leaving I wondered if the trip was actually worth all the work.  I was worried about what kind of disaster would occur while we were gone.  And I couldn’t stop thinking about the kids for the first few days… but eventually we relaxed.  The grandparents that stepped in for us did so with gusto and everyone did so well.  The whole thing was such a great experience and we are so thankful for the support.  We had such a good time remembering that this whole party started with just the two of us ten years ago.

Lately, I have found my attention drifting towards a new creative project.  I haven’t been posting here as frequently and I have been wondering whether the blog’s useful life is over.  In some ways, it has served its purpose.  It helped to re-awaken a curiosity in me and learn the value of taking time for myself to try things.  This blog was started to track my progress on the path to reacquaint myself with who I am as an individual and who I want to be in the next chapter.  Our trip reminded me that I have a bit more work to do on this path of discovery and separation.

In the future, it is likely that my passion projects will be shown on a different space entirely, so stay tuned for that; but whether it is on this blog or somewhere else, I am committed to continuing this work of experimenting, exploring and discovering.  I hope you’re with me!

Sing For You

Published on by poolepartyof52 Comments

I have friends whose lives run parallel to mine, but none of us are in the exact same boat.  Even if we both agree that we are in a boat, yours might be metal and mine might be wood… yours could be blue, while mine is red.  To me, this speaks of the unique experience we all have as humans.  Even though we go through experiences that can be qualified as universal, rarely do we go through something at the exact same rate or pace as our peers.

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This week feels like a perfect storm as our oldest child turns six years old and I wean our youngest (and last) babe.  I have had a baby in the house for six years straight and I am having a difficult time imagining how it will feel to move out of this phase.  As the children continue to grow, leaving behind these markers of babyhood, I realize that they are not the only ones leaving the baby years behind.  I am too.  Of course there is excitement in these changes, but they are bittersweet as well.  I can say that I have been expecting these moments, but I still find myself feeling caught off-guard.  In this moment, I take solace in a book I happen to be re-reading right now.  Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a favorite of mine.  Originally published in 1955, it is a meditation on relationships through various stages of life.  I happened to pick up the book again because I felt the need for centering and calming.  How happy I am to be reminded of some of Lindbergh’s meanderings, as I, myself, find myself wandering once again through unchartered territory.

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I have gone through the weaning of babies twice before, which makes me think it should get easier.  I am mistaken, as each time is its own experience – each child unique.  My brain is aware that we will move through this stage and there will be lovely snuggles on the other side.  Cognitively, I know that I will continue to have a strong relationship with my child post-nursing.  But my heart will miss the solitary time together amidst the current chaos of our life.  The unique bond between baby and mother, “In the sheltered simplicity of the first days after a baby is born, one sees again the magical closed circle, the miraculous sense of two people existing only for each other, the tranquil sky reflected on the face of the mother nursing her child…” (Lindbergh, Anne Morrow. Gift from the Sea. New York: Pantheon, 1955. Print.)

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Try as I might, I cannot freeze time.  Even if I could, that would be limiting for everyone.  That’s the thing about life, and parenthood specifically; one is forced to live in the present.  The raising of children keeps one moving forward, even when we, as adults, are hesitant to desire this.  What I am feeling right this minute is a powerful force; a push towards the future and a nostalgic pull back towards my memories of my children as babies.  I realize how immediate these feelings are.  They will pass and become difficult to remember as they are now.  As I think back to friends that have been in this spot, I truly hope the advice I gave to them was thoughtful.  I’m sure I tried to remember the best I could, but I have to think the words I found were rather vanilla.  I don’t believe that my brain could pinpoint the actual feelings attached to the intensity of the situation.

As I begin the steps of leaving my children’s childhoods in the past, Tracy Chapman’s beautiful lyrics run through my head and heart.

Soft and low when the evening comes

Holding you, sleeping in my arms

I remember there was a time

When I used to sing for you

Tracy Chapman : Sing For You (recording)

Song has been an important element in my relationships with the children since the time of their birth.  Songs that remind me of nights spent awake in their infancies, as we grew to know one another.  As with nursing, song has been a soothing practice for us all, but is something that remains.  As we say goodbye to the baby years and move bravely forward, I hold these memories in my heart.  My children love to sing and be sung to at bedtime.  That will probably change someday too, but for now I will hold onto it and enjoy the moment.

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Love Note to Our Nanny

Published on by poolepartyof52 Comments

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About a year ago, life changed in a big way for our family.  No, I am not talking about the birth of our daughter… well, one thing led to another, I suppose.  No, I am talking about the addition of a nanny to our family unit.

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While pregnant with Tatum, it was clear to me that if another chickadee was going to join the nest, this mama needed some help!  Still, I was reluctant to ask for assistance, and even more reluctant to really want another person floating around in our midst.  Although this person was only going to work part-time for us, being a stay-at-home mom, I realized I would need to like this individual, as well as respect him or her.

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As a first step, we enlisted the help of a tried and true nanny placement service to help us find our very own Mary Poppins.  We went about our search, meeting various people who looked great on paper, realizing that no matter how great someone’s resume was, we were looking for someone who would just “click” with our family.  I had been advised by a veteran-nanny-searching-parent that “with the right person, it won’t feel strange to have someone in your home”.  So, like finding a mate, chemistry obviously plays a big part in finding a nanny.  After a few missed connections with nannies from the service, I began to wonder if we would, in fact, find someone.  Already the baby was born and we were still searching with no great leads on the horizon… Then, as luck or fate would have it, the perfect person fell into our life at the perfect time.  We spent a few weeks gingerly feeling around the edges of this new relationship, wondering if this person might like us as much as we liked her.  Thankfully, the rest is history.

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Dear Andrea,

We think you are wonderful and feel so lucky to know you.  Thank you for all that you do to keep our family moving forward.  You are flexible and kind and have mixed right into our chaos.  You add order to our mess and fun to our routine.  Because of you, I know my way around our ironing board (whereas before I didn’t even know where it was).  Our laundry is washed, folded, and put away (often on the same day)!  You are the extra set of hands that allow me to hold my baby and not feel guilty that the dishes haven’t been done.  You are the board that I bounce ideas off of and you keep me accountable with all the projects I take on.  Your refreshingly frank nature means that you usually mention if you think my methods could use a little tweaking.  You are teaching me that it is okay to ask for help.  I trust, respect, and like you… The kids love you.  We love you.  Thank you.  You don’t know how much this means to our family.

Love, The Poole Family

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This has been a pivotal year for all of us.  It speaks to growth, change, and adaptability.  Our family is larger now, not by one, but by two.  This is not a forever situation.  There will come a day (sooner than I would like), when our nanny will move on with her own life.  The relationship will change, but my hope is that she will stay a part of our family.  By total chance, we found someone who has grown to love us as much as we love her.  We feel so lucky.

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What a Difference a Year Makes

Published on by poolepartyof5Leave a comment

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This week my baby turned one.  Her birthday coincides with the the New Year holiday; a time for fresh starts, moving forward, and reflection.

I find that I am always sentimental during the first anniversary of the days, hours, and minutes before any of my baby’s births.  I think about what we were doing “at this time last year.”  I try to imagine the impossibility of what it felt like not to have met the little person we have spent the last year loving.  I think of my labor and when the contractions started.  Were we at the hospital?  Were we at home still?  Was Nana here yet to take care of the boys?  I have been blessed with straightforward, lovely births, so this reminiscing evokes a feeling of love and empowerment (I know that I am lucky on this front).  These memories are something I treasure as a gift my children have given me.  I never knew I could be so strong as during the births of my children.  My last baby has just turned one and is moving out of babyhood.  She walks and climbs and is beginning to talk.  As I say goodbye to the birth chapter of life, it is with bittersweet feelings.  I hope to carry with me the strength I experienced in birth into my future adventures.

2012 draws to a close and I am struck by how different life feels this year versus last.  Last year we were in love with our newborn, wondering how we would get through the first days, let alone the year, as a family of five.  I think about how we were closer with some friends and alternatively more distanced from some family.  Poole Party of 5 did not exist.  We didn’t know who our next president would be.  What a difference a year makes…  I grew up with a phrase that my mom would tell me in times of discord.  She would say, “Make friends with change.”  Of course there is not a much truer sentiment, yet it drove me crazy.  Nothing stays the same.  We know this in our heads, but I believe it is harder for our hearts to accept.  I friend recently said, “Think back five years to what your life was…”  Well, we had a 6-month old little boy that we loved deeply, but were still getting to know.  We lived in a different house, in a different city.  We didn’t know what our family would become, or who our little guy would be.  One year is a blink.  Five years is a deep breath in and out…

While I was in labor with Tatum last year, the song playing on the iPod when she was born was “One Day” by Matisyahu.  It is such a powerful message for peace.  I love the imagery of my baby entering the world with such a hopeful message.  (I have linked to the video and copied the first verse lyrics below.)

Video Link (click here)

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I’m breathing
then I pray
don’t take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
there’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day (x6)

As much as things change, we do have elements that continue, unmarred by the date on the calendar.  My wish for the future is peace and a time when “there’ll be no more wars / and our children will play”.  I don’t know if this will happen in my lifetime, but maybe in our children’s lifetimes.  I still wonder why I am here, but I know that one of my purposes was to be a mom.  To love my children and my husband with all that I have.  To give forgiveness when someone hurts me and to try not to do harm to others.  I’m not big on New Year resolutions; every year they are the same – dental floss more and exercise more.  But maybe a hope for peace is good too.