Tag: community

Block Party

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Neighbor:  neigh·bor  /ˈnābər/

Noun
A person living near or next door to the speaker or person referred to.

There is a house near us that has children a few years older than our own.  For months my husband has been encouraging me to knock on the door to meet this family.  For whatever reason, I had resisted.  I was feeling shy, or just wasn’t sure how to connect.  I have found myself feeling a bit bolder as a result of the conference I attended a few weeks ago (possibly because I was talking non-stop to strangers for 36 hours).  This past week, I saw the family unloading their car from some fun summer activity and I turned my car around and stopped.  I crossed the street and said “hello”.  I introduced myself and asked if any of their kids might be interested in being a mother’s helper for us.  They were all incredibly nice and friendly.  I learned that this family has chickens, which is glorious, because now I don’t need chickens.  (My kids are obsessed with getting chickens.)  Now they can go and hang with the chickens at our neighbor’s house!  I don’t know where this relationship will go.  We gave them apricot jam and they gave us a bowl of fresh eggs.  But, I am so glad I stopped and said “hello”.  Sometimes, all it takes is stepping outside one’s comfort zone and being a little bolder than normal.

Community:  com·mu·ni·ty  /kəˈmyo͞onitē/

Noun
  1. A group of people living together in one place, esp. one practicing common ownership: “a community of nuns”.
  2. All the people living in a particular area or place: “local communities”.

As I have mentioned a few times this year (okay, maybe a few dozen times), our oldest will start kindergarten this fall.  I feel the typical growing pains associated with this transition; nervous, excited and a teensy bit anxious.  But, I have also begun to feel confident.  Confident that the community we have chosen to live will help with this process.  This is a pretty new feeling for me and I find it really exciting.  We moved two years ago to the town where we live with the themes of “community” and “education” in mind.  And over the past few years of living in this place, we have grown to feel more and more comfortable.

Randomly, on multiple days this week, a “suspicious individual” has been spotted discreetly snapping photos of children playing at a local elementary school playground.  Obviously this is a creepy situation that no one would like to see occur near your home or progress to something worse. But instead of quietly stewing, parents called the police after spotting this guy and another parent sent out an email to alert friends of these strange incidents.  I heard about it, but didn’t expect much follow-up.  In the last few days, I have received at least five forwards of this original email alert from other sources within my community.  Our police department has been taking this threat seriously and patrols the parks more regularly.  In a different frame of mind, I could get pretty paranoid about this.  But, from this negative event, I feel the strength within the community where we live.  I hate the idea of anyone dangerous being anywhere near our children, but I find myself feeling hopeful as I see that this community truly cares for our children’s safety.

By speaking up and making sure that people know to be on the look-out, we are seeing community in action.  This is exactly what I hoped for in choosing a community to raise my family.  I realized today that I am putting my trust in this community.  I will still send my child to kindergarten in less than a month.  The alternative is staying in at home all day and night with the doors locked and starting to home-school come September.  I see that children are still playing in these parks, but eyes are open and people are talking.

August 6th is Seattle Night Out, an event “designed to heighten crime prevention awareness, increase neighborhood support in anti-crime efforts, and unite our communities.” (http://www.seattle.gov/police/nightout/whatis.htm)  This block-party type event is the perfect time to get together with neighbors and get to know one another!  If your block doesn’t do this yet, start this year!  You can find out more information and register your event with the Seattle Police Department here.  We used to celebrate this annual event in our old neighborhood, and I am going to take my newfound boldness and make sure that we start doing it in our new neighborhood.

The Dalai Lama said recently, “A compassionate community will not be achieved only through prayer; I pray myself, but I accept its limitations.  We need to take action to develop compassion, to create inner peace within ourselves and to share that inner peace with our family and friends.  Peace and warm-heartedness can then spread through the community just as ripples radiate out across the water when you drop a pebble into a pond.”

Community can come in many forms.  It can be people in close proximity to one another or a group of people you feel a connection with.  It can be people with whom you share interests or activities.  It can be family.  The important part is connection.  It is easy to live anonymously these days – technology makes this even easier.  But, our lives are less full when human connection is missing.  I want this connection for all of us.  To live in places and in ways that people speak up, smile, and offer help to one another.  We are all better for it.

Author note (added 8/7/13):  Sometimes it is necessary to admit momentary defeat… I wasn’t able to pull a block party together on our block this year, but there’s always next year!  On this particular day we just had one too many activities and we all benefitted from a quiet night at home.  That was just the right choice for the day.  Happy Summer!!

Choose Kindness

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A small gift from one friend to another...
A small gift from one friend to another…

Is my preoccupation with the idea of kindness because I am adjusting to the fact that my oldest will be starting elementary school in the fall?  Is it that I am around the 5-&-under set all day long and witness both trivial and monumental disputes on an hourly basis?  Is it possible that R. J. Palacio’s book, Wonder, has entered my consciousness in ways I am still trying to figure out?  Yes, on all accounts.

My husband and friends can attest to the fact that I am someone who is highly sensitive to the media that surrounds me.  Books, song lyrics, and television all touch me in ways that can alter my outlook for weeks at a time.  Because of this “media sensitivity”, we just do not watch scary movies in our home.  Then, there was that time that I was reading The Black Dahlia and Gone Girl in book club, and I was sure my husband was evil.  Believe me, he isn’t, but I think I slept with one eye open for a full week… You can imagine how much he loved that phase.  Well, the opposite is true too.  When I have been positively touched by a book, that sentiment stays with me as well and for a time becomes the lens with which I view the world.

Wonder, is that kind of book.

August Pullman was born with a facial deformity that, up until now, has prevented him from going to a mainstream school. Starting fifth grade at Beecher Prep, he wants nothing more than to be treated as an ordinary kid—but his new classmates can’t get past Auggie’s extraordinary face… In a world where bullying among young people is an epidemic, this is a refreshing new narrative full of heart and hope. R. J. Palacio has called her debut novel “a meditation on kindness”—indeed, every reader will come away with a greater appreciation for the simple courage of friendship.  (from http://choosekind.tumblr.com/)

Each day we have the option to “choose kindness” in big and small ways that can have huge meaning to those around us.  When we are in line for a cup of coffee, do you greet the barista with a smile, or feel annoyed that you had to wait?  When you see that other preschool mom that never smiles, do you say “hello” anyway?  When you fix yourself a cup of water, do you get one for your partner?  When you are sitting at the lunch table are you the person that scoots over to make room for someone new?  Or, do you look away?  Whether out of fear, insecurity, and shyness over the years, I can think of too many examples where I have been one to look away.  But… I’d like to be the person who moves over and makes room for one more.  The one that smiles and says hello.  A person who actively chooses kindness.

Recently, another preschool mom remarked that she enjoyed a post I wrote about struggling with friendships that are in transition (click here to read, In Between).  She voiced that lately she felt as though she is “back in high school”.  I think that what she meant by this is she feels the constant effort of trying to make new friends and find one’s place.  We can all relate to this universal struggle.  Yet it is see easy to see peers acting critically of one another, casting judgement without empathy.  Aren’t parents (and women specifically) known for this frustrating behavior?  In Wonder, there is a quote that states, “If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary – the world really would be a better place.”  I feel like it all boils down to that.  Being kinder than is necessary.  Whether you are a child entering elementary school, a teenager searching for acceptance, or an adult still looking for your place, we can all choose kindness as a place to start.  That much is within our power.  If I could pass just one lesson onto my children, I believe this might be it.  I think that these small acts can move mountains.

Wonder has started a national movement that I wasn’t aware of as I began writing this post.  Kids are reading Wonder and realizing how important these acts of kindness are in our relationships.  There is even a CHOOSE KIND pledge.  There have been so many examples of hate and cruelty around us lately, it is possible to wonder if there is any good left in the world?  But here is an example of love and grace.  People are signing this pledge and believing in kindness (I think I am number 11,331)!  Whether you sign the pledge or not, I hope that next time (and every time after that) you choose to be “kinder than is necessary”.

A Meditation on Friendship

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Watching my five- and three-year-old sons navigate a new preschool has made me look at the idea of friendship in a new light.  I see courage in my little ones, as they approach someone new, asking them to play – asking for friendship.  Already in their young lives, they know that the answer might be yes and it might be no.  I want to make this journey easier for my children, but know that I cannot.  Lately, my older son has been talking of “marriage” with a few of his new friends.  I try to encourage him to wait to make any proposals.  Telling him that he really does not need to make a decision of such importance for some time.  Yet, I see that what he yearns for is connection and a promise.  A promise that this trusted friend will be there tomorrow, just as excited to play with him as he / she is today.  I wish it were that simple.  Maybe in the best circumstances it is.

Wikipedia defines friendship as, “…a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other.”  

“The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

  • The tendency to desire what is best for the other
  • Sympathy and empathy
  • Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
  • Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
  • Enjoyment of each other’s company
  • Trust in one another
  • Positively strong, deep, close reciprocity, mutuality—equal give-and-take between the two parties
  • The ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.”

Wikipedia goes on to say that the American Sociological Review found that the quality and quantity of close friendships in America has been on the decline over the past thirty years.  “The study states that 25% of Americans have no close confidants and that the average total number of confidants per person has dropped from four to two.”  How sad is this?

Crossing to Safety, by Wallace Stegner, is a modern piece of literature that focuses on the theme of friendship.  There is something timeless about this novel that makes me want to revisit its message again and again as I move through my life.  It is a thoughtful, quiet work that meditates on the half-century long relationship between two couples.  Stegner looks at what it is like to truly feel known by other people.  Throughout this book, it is clear how much these relationships have shaped each character’s life and been a touchstone for important moments of growth and change.  I see this to be true in my own life.

Friendship is unlike marriage, where although it is not always lasting, there is a contract and a stated commitment.  There are rarely formal contracts in friendship.  Parties take part for as long as it satisfies a need.  Individuals are free to come and go.  But don’t we have a commitment to one another?

Where I land on this topic is I expect my friends to stick around.  As in the Wikipedia definition, I expect there to be a level of trust and mutual respect.  In the best scenarios, friends can become the family we choose.  These important relationships can be a thing that helps to define our lives.  Connection is important.  I believe that people with connection live longer, more fulfilled lives.  This is what I wish for myself and my family, a life filled with connection and community.  As we move towards this season of giving thanks, I find I am thankful for my friends.  I am thankful for how many of you have defined portions of my life and helped to shape the person I am.  You have allowed my family to become a part of yours.

“There it was, there it is, the place where during the best time of our lives friendship had its home and happiness its headquarters.”

― Wallace Stegner, Crossing to Safety

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